Tuesday 8 April 2014

A Biter in Our Midst { To Bite or Not To Bite }










This cute little face. She really is our little bundle of cuteness, tickles and fun. While Amelie may be our pride, little Jessie is just pure joy (well mostly to both of those statements). An easy, sweet, but  shy personality who has quickly grown from our little baby into a moving, emptying the contents of my drawers toddler.

Jessie has eased her way in to our family in her role as the "poor" second child. Happily pottering around the house, exploring all of it's nooks, crannies and objects. She is always occupying herself. Her inquisitive fingers searching out the smallest of things to work and move. To empty.

This girl has learnt the art of adaptability. Moving past the scratching attack phase when she was a baby that was Amelie's desperate need for my attention. To winning over her sisters love and desire for attention by laughing and smiling at her funny dances and ways. Yes this girl is not silly.

But along with this adaptability has come the art of speed. While she may have been surefooted for some time, she now has speed. A running attempt at keeping her big sister from sntaching (again) the toys that she was happily playing with just a moment ago, from out of her hands.

There's only so much a girl can take. Even one with such a sweet nature. Before she bites back in frustration, literally. Yes we have a biter, and a very good one at that. While I don't like it, I can empathise. Amelie's constant snatching of toys from Jessie, and complete unwillingness to share makes me bite in the talking too loud kind of way also.

It brings back memories of my youngest brother, a prolific biter in his toddler years. I recall my parents constant no's, and tellings off that came to nothing. That was until the day my brother made the mistake of biting me in front of my Nanna while she was babysitting us. She'd heard about all of this biting, but hadn't witnessed it for herself. She did what a lot of old school sorts would have done, she bit him back, straight on the arm. I'll never forget it. And clearly neither did my brother. Who never bit another person ever again.

Mum was furious. Nanna was indignant. She felt she'd done Mum a favour, doing what should have been done already. All this biting in my house gets me thinking about the huge difference in parenting styles between our generation and my grandparents generation. My Nanna's one of the loveliest people that you would ever meet, with a great sense of humour in all parts of her life, but she certainly was a no-nonsense type when it came to discipline.

I could never see myself biting one of my children. But I can't help but wonder as I'm pulling a lunging biting child of her older sister whilst passing toys back to their rightful owner at the same time, am I doing this right?

All this makes me think of this quote we've all seen floating around Facebook and the web.



Discipline is so fuzzy to me sometimes. So many rights and wrongs. Reports and studies. I've read my stuff. I love Dr Laura Markham's book "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids" and her AHA parenting website. I'd like to think I know my shit. And yet I'm still confused between what I know worked in the last two generations of our family and what I know isn't accepted now as ideal discipline.

In the words of my Mum "parenting was easier when there were no rules and all these books telling you what you should and shouldn't be doing." (Let me just say now we had a good childhood and were not in any way over disciplined in a physical manner. Just in case you were wondering).

So while I break up another tussle of who's toy is mine and belongs to whom to prevent any biting from going on tell me.

Are you an old school or a new school type of discipliner?
Listen to your Nanna's advice or over-think yourself with all the books and should nots that are out there?

19 comments:

  1. I think I'm a bit of both, I'm firm but fair with my children. I come from a family where both parents did not give out emotionally so I am very indulgent when it comes to love, hugs, kisses, chats and most importantly time and being present with them. I must admit though I would do what your nanna did and give a good bite back if the biting carried on too long or if she was doing it to other children. Elaina xo

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    1. Oh and I no longer read the books.........xo

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    2. Thanks Elaina for your honesty! Yes hopefully for now the biting is only limited to Amelie and when she steals toys of Jessie. That's the only occasion that Jessie bites. Fingers crossed it stays that way, and once she's able to communicate properly can verbalise to Amelie her unhappiness xx

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  2. I do neither. I do not do as my mother did (she was a way over the top discipliner eg spanking with spoons and cords) and I do not read the books. Instead I try to take the cues from my children. Jarvis bites us occasionally (mostly when he is teething) but I could never think of biting this tiny child back. Not that that helps with you. But if it is any conciliation my two sisters and I fought like crazy when we were younger, but as adults we were and are the best of friends.

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    1. I'm hoping that this will be the case with our daughters too! x

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  3. Your household sounds exactly like ours at the moment. Exactly. There are constant wars over toys and when Miss Three takes something from Miss One, Miss One jumps in with a bite, a pinch or a hair pull. I'm grappling with how to solve the issue too. It's a tough one. I find disciplining a one year old really hard :(

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    1. It is, they are still so small and unable to understand what and why they're doing what they're doing. Pleased to hear somebody else is also playing referee to the same kinds of things at home!! x

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  4. We watched some close friends go through a rough biting stage with their daughter and knew we did not want to deal with that kind of behavior. So when our daughter started biting, we wanted to stop it before it got worse. I am not a fan of the biting back method. I feel like it sends mixed signals. If you bite me, I will bite you back. If you hit me, it's OK if I hit you back. So what we did was any time our little one bit I would tell her no we don't bite, set her down and walk away. She needed to have a few minutes by herself and to learn that people don't want to be around someone that isn't being nice. This method worked well for us.

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    1. Pleased that worked for you Tamara. I really feel for parents who have a child who bites as a way of showing their frustration, and end up biting a lot of people in the process. Then I'm not sure what I'd do! x

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  5. I don't have kids but i remember being bitten on the belly by my younger cousin when I'd say I was maybe 6 or so. I remember it clearly, and I can still recall the physical pain and emotional shock of being randomly bit as if it were yesterday. It was a scarring experience (literally!). I'm pretty sure I just ran and dobbed on her but in hindsight I wish i'd bitten her back, the little psycho. I have no advice, but I do know that it's true - nobody likes a biter!

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    1. You make a valid point, it's all well to worry about how to discipline the child who is the biter, but the child who is being bitten (especially if it's repeatedly) should be worried about also, as it't not nice to be in that position either x

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  6. Oooh, it's a tough one. I'm kind of with Nanna on this one, but only as a threat. My youngest gal was a hitter / puncher and I threatened to hit her myself if she ever hit her sister again. She hasn't so far... I hope she doesn't because i don't want to have to follow through!!!!! (See ecard). x

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    1. haha yes hope you don't have to follow through on that one!!!

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  7. I agree with Tamara. You can't say "don't bite" and then go and bite them. Its not really about the biting, its about why they are biting, which I think a lot of times comes down to wanting/needing more attention and not knowing how to express themselves vocally. It is a form of sign language! Not that it is okay that she bites her sister, but you already said that you think she is biting out of frustration. So you try to minimize the frustration and also explain to her in simple terms why she shouldn't bite. I did not read any baby books except "Bringing Up Bebe" and as the reality of life with a newborn set it, the plans from that book that I intended to follow went out the window! For my husband and I, it comes down to common sense. Go with the flow more. Babies are like sponges and absorb everything! I think they can understand a lot more than most adults give them credit for.

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  8. Yes the biting is about frustration of snatching of her toys, so it's quite easy to prevent it at this stage. Hopefully it will prevent it from worsening or spreading to other areas! x

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  9. I would not dream of offering any comment on the biting, but I do hope that you can find a way through this. It is amazing how parenting has changed so much and things that my parents did that would be considered to be awful now and things that their parents did that we considered awful when I was a child. How times change. I know that you will work this out! xx

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  10. piper used to bite kids bottoms at playgroup, parks, anywhere really. to add insult to injury, she was shy so wouldn't smile or make eye contact with anyone, just lunge at their bottom. it took a lot of gentle and calm love to pass. but pass it did. x ashley

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  11. Argh, I have a biter too. When he doesn't get what he wants and is frustrated, it's a combination of biting, headbutting, reverse crawling and slapping. Inevitably almost all of this is directed at me, and all for one reason. I want to wean. He doesn't.

    I really don't know what to do either, except to make it clear that as a strategy it won't work.

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  12. You're a little ahead of me in the parenting timeline, but I can foresee similar difficulties in our not-too-distant-sneaking-up-too-quickly future. I like to think that I parent by heart, doing whatever feels right in the moment. I feel most comfortable with a softly, gently approach, but there are definitely moments where I am pushed to my limits and react in a way that I wish I hadn't. I really struggle with the idea of physical punishment though. To me, it just doesn't sit right.

    I hope you find you're way. X

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