Monday 18 November 2013

The Best-friend


This little face.

Such her own little person now. With every step, she strives to be more independent. She talks more. Starts conversations with others outside of her family, introducing her sister to anybody who stops to talk to us, "hello, this is baby J."

But, with every big girl step, comes the little girl. The increased emotions and needs. For more cuddles and reassurances. A reminder to us. That no matter how big a girl she seems now, that inside she is still a little girl. That needs the snuggles. All our love. And as much patience as we can muster as she grows and matures into the person that she will become.

For the first time, Miss A has found herself a friend. A self elected "best-friend" (her words). Someone who she talks of often. Wants to visit. Have play dates with. Be liked by. As a parent, it has been an interesting experience to watch. This entry into a social world of girls, that I'm just not familiar with.

There is a two year age gap between Miss A and her best-friend. What would seem like a small age gap, has often felt like such a large age gap on the odd occasions that they have seen one another. That has made me slightly wary and nervous at times. The differences in play, of language, of independence and understanding.

Today, the social differences felt too large a gap. So large, that we left a social catch-up with a group of friends early. What started as two girls playing happily together for over an hour, quickly changed when another girl arrived. Turning in to a situation where Miss A was tossed aside with a "I don't want to play with you anymore, I want to play with my real friend." Followed by a "Is your name ....?", when Miss A tried to follow them. To which she responded, "no, my name is......" The innocence of her response, upset me. It pained me to watch this rather brutal first encounter with a social clique, that she wasn't welcome in. I could see, that she was hurt, but that she couldn't quite understand why. She just wanted to play with them. For her, it was just that simple.

This is the first situation, where we have decided to step in. And pause a friendship. And hopefully attempt to wean Miss A from her, at least for a little while . The positives, while definetly there, seem to be outweighed by the negatives at this stage. My fear, that she will take such rejection personally, be too young to understand such emotions and situations, think that this is normal treatment from a friend to be spoken too in such a way, or even, start behaving and treating others like it herself.

To me, it was confirmed when she quietly told me, as I tucked her into bed, that her friend "had upset her today". Hearing this, from my nearly three year old, broke my heart. Too young, too innocent, to be able to understand or deal with such emotions.

I know, that I can't shield her forever, from less than ideal social encounters or friends, that she might meet. And I certainly don't want to be the sort of moddy coddling type Mother, who can't let their children make their own mistakes, friends or choices.

The decision that we've come to as parents. That Miss A isn't ready for this kind of more grown up friendship, and nor are we prepared for it. All children, behave and say the wrong thing at times, we're not denying that. Our girls do too. But I don't think it will hurt, to return to the more innocent play of playgroup, and children her own age for now.

Have you ever felt like you needed to involve yourself in any of your children's friendships?
and put a stop to it in anyway?

12 comments:

  1. Ohhhhh! :( We don't yet have children, but how heart-breaking to hear your three year old say that "my friend upset me today." MY heart bruised a bit at that. If it were my three year old niece saying that I would have been miserable! Poor thing but I think you are doing the right thing. Pausing the friendship. A hiatus, if you will? She can come back to it later, when she is older and not quite so vulnerable... she is only so so little and sweet and innocent.

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    1. Thank you Maya. Fortunately I think she has forgotten all about the "incident." Though it still sits in my mind!!

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  2. I have a three year old son and he hasn't experienced being discluded from groups (yet? knock on wood?) Though, if I saw it happening, I'm not quite sure what I would do! I certainly would be heart broken for him. Although, my son is very independent, and though he likes to play with others, he's very intimidated by interaction that isn't 1-on-1. He has had fights with his cousin... who is 7 months older... but that isn't the same, I suppose. I know it's hard because I find even 7 months being somewhat of an age gap. The way they understand things is just different.

    Hopefully it gets better! Her heart won't be bruised forever! Also, want to say, that photo of her, oh my goodness. She is SO adorable. SOOOO cute. Her playful personality just kind of jumps off my screen.

    It was nice discovering your blog :) Glad to have found it :)

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    1. Thank you Amber! Popping over to check your blog out now!

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  3. Oh, they are so sweet and innocent at that age and they just want to be everyones friend. My two year old hasn't experienced exactly that, but he has had older kids reject playing with him, it totally breaks my heart because they just don't understand why. Why do kids have to be so mean!! I'm preparing myself for many more encounters like this! But, it enforces why having supportive parents and a good self-esteem is so important for kids so they can bounce back from things like this! Great Post x Karen

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    1. Thanks Karen, you're right, it is all about being able to bounce back from situations like this. Thankfully, she has!

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  4. I only just saw this post and I felt very sad and know just what you mean. I see Charlie interacting with others and worry if he will get hurt by their "older-kid-ness" and not understand they play a little differently.
    I know that they are still so young and so little and need us still so much. I guess we just have to be there to help them understand those feelings and protect them where and when we can. xxx

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  5. I find that girls can be worse than boys at that age. It is heartbreaking but hopefully she has more beautiful friendship moments to come.

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    1. I find the same also. Girls can be worringly cruel at times x

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  6. Oh this seriously had me tearing up for her and you. Dont you just want to protect them forever from these kind of things. We have had to intervene before too, but it gets harder to do that as they get older. I have one son who has been hurt repeatedly by a friend and he just keeps forgiving... me not so much and I wish he was at the age I could just step in and keep them apart. You did the right thing hun. Give that gorgeous little girl of yours a big hug from me. xx

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    1. Thanks Sonia, I will. How agonising to watch bad behaviour repeat itself over and over with your sons friend. Hope something changes for the positive there. Fortunately, having less contact, Amelie has almost stopped asking and talking about her now. I can see how once they are older, that it would be almost impossible to intervene much at all xx

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